Attending Skills

Attending to another is the foundation of being able to help them. Being "attended to" helps the student to be self-reflective, to explore self, and to freely share self. Attending skills involve the verbal and nonverbal behaviors that help another to fully experience being listened to and cared for.

Carefully observe your next interpersonal encounter. Make some observations about your ability to attend and those of your friends or acquaintances. Attending is more difficult than it seems. In order to attend to another, a listener must give the other space and time, avoid thinking too much about self, and what they know or want to say. Most people are NOT good listeners. You may be surprised at how hard it is to allow silence or resist the temptation to talk. You may also be surprised that your first inclination is NOT to respond directly to the speaker or his/her statements. Attending is NOT the conversation you are used to. You want to be careful to resist characteristics of normal conversation such as talking about yourself. You also want to learn how to be aware of your own nonverbals as well as those of your students.

[The activity described above is included as a suggested homework assignment (Activity 2)].

Attending Behaviors

Essential attending behaviors are (1) eye contact, (2) voice tone, (3) body language and (4) verbal tracking. Maintain eye contact. Don't stare. Observe how comfortable you are with eye contact. Voice tone should be monitored carefully. In attending, use your own voice sparingly. Use minimal encouragers to let the speaker know you are paying attention (i.e., yes, um hum, etc.). It may be necessary to speak more softly and/or slowly than you do in typical conversation. Body language is an important part of attending. Nonverbal communication can be understood as clearly as verbal communication. Open posture indicates a willingness to take time and hear whatever a person has to say. Closed posture such as crossed arms or legs indicates the opposite. Other nonverbals are fidgeting, gesturing, looking down/up, nodding, winking, scratching, hair tugging, smiling, and laughing. Tracking the topic is also important. Most people believe that they can easily stay on topic with a speaker. Hear yourself. This, too, is more difficult than you think. When we listen to another, we are often hearing our own voice inside of our heads. We are thinking about our own perceptions. It is our perception that most often indicates how our verbalizations will follow. The listener's words then can, and usually do, change the direction of the speaker's content. An effective listener trains him or herself to listen effectively. Paying close attention to the speaker's recent words and reflecting them can ensure careful attending and avoid distraction.

Selective Attending

It is important to note that listening is often selective. We "attend" to different aspects of what we hear. For example, when the following statement is heard, different people may respond to different parts of the statement: "I can't do my math homework. We didn't go over how to do division in class. I'm going to get my brother to do it for me. He is good in math and I stink." There are several ways that you can attend to the statement. What part of the statement do you focus on? Are there parts of the statement that stand out for you? Your perceptions of the statement affect how you respond.

Attending to Culture

The examples provided in the presentation of cultural concerns in attending are not meant to be inclusive. Knowledge of the interpersonal communication styles of individual students who are culturally different is an expected competency of applying helping skills in all settings. Knowledge of cultural differences in interpersonal communication, though integral to effective helping, is beyond the scope of the current session. Take some time to discuss ways culture influences listening and attending to clients.

Activity 2. Insert activity 2 here. The group practice of attending skills may take a lot of time. A sample topic for discussion may be included in the directions. There are two key factors to making this activity work well. First, students should be instructed to make sure each member of the group participates in each role. Second, the feedback must be concrete. Processing the activity afterwards can help more carefully illustrate the attending skills. The "How to Be a Good Listener" slide may also help the group members to focus their feedback.

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